Yesterday I received an unexpected blast from the past. A former classmate of mine from Germany sent me our 7th grade class photo after rediscovering it while cleaning out the basement.
 
As I looked at the image of my 12-year-old self, I felt a wave of tenderness wash over me. I didn’t like myself very much and felt like a total misfit in my life. I was quiet, nerdy, and athletic with a mysterious vibe (I used to disappear to visit family in the US each summer which stirred up some rumors). I hid my insecurity behind my cool US clothes and a veil of silence. I had a deeply held belief that once I became “perfect,” everything would be fine. I’d finally be worthy of love and belonging.
 
That belief helped me survive my childhood and push myself to accomplish things. It was also deeply limiting to my unfolding and fulfillment as a human being. I wasted a lot of mental and emotional energy to fulfill the relentless standards of my inner critic; carried a lot of stress and tension in my body; limited possibilities to contribute and learn; and limited my authentic self-expression. I was terrified of failure and rejection.
 
We all have an inner critic regardless of our circumstances or upbringing. It had an original survival function to keep us safe physically and emotionally. It often replays old messages from childhood about what we need to do to be worthy of love and acceptance. It focuses on what’s “wrong” with us, others, and our circumstances. It gets us into inferior and superior comparisons. It causes much of our feelings of guilt, regret, shame, anxiety, anger, and disappointment. It limits our learning and taking risks to do something new or different.
 
How do we free ourselves from the inner critic?
 
The most effective way I’ve found to respond to self-judgment is to recognize it, have compassion for it, and replace it with a kinder response. We can turn to the inner critic knowing that it’s a worried part of us that wants to keep us safe. We can say: “Thank you for trying to protect me. I’m ok for now. I’ve got this.” When a part of us feels seen, it can relax. We can focus our attention on our breath, sound, or the sensations in our body to not get hijacked and come back to the present moment.
 
It’s been a long journey since 7th grade. My inner critic and drive for perfection still sometimes get the better of me. Now though, I deeply know that I’m worthy of love. Just like you are. I’ve learned to befriend and accept the inner critic and don’t believe everything they say anymore. I've realized that I can see the goodness below my conditioning and accept where I'm at while acknowledging all the ways I yet have to grow. I’ve learned to feel the fear of failure and rejection and do things anyway.
 
If you struggle with your inner critic, know that you’re not alone. Befriending and freeing ourselves from the inner critic is within our reach. 

The world needs you fully alive and free to make your contribution now more than ever.
 
Below are a few resources that I hope may be supportive for you.
 
With love,
Sarah-Marie

Resources 

[PRACTICES] 

Self-Observation: Patterns of Self-Judgment/Inner Critic

To deepen your awareness of your inner critic, I invite you to reflect and journal on the following:  

1. What judgments did you make about yourself?

2. What judgments did you make about others? 

3. What circumstances, events or relationships were associated with these judgments? 

4. In what ways was your judgment grounded? 

5. What were the impacts of your judgments?

6. What pattern(s) of judgment(s) are you beginning to notice?

7. What action will you take from what you observed in this exercise?

Thanking Your Inner Critic

When you notice your inner critic as you go about your day, you can stop, take a conscious breath, and say "Thank you for trying to protect me. I've got this. I am OK for now." You can focus your attention on your breath, sound, or the sensations in your body to not get hijacked by the inner critic/judge and come back to the present moment.

Poem

Excerpt from “Awakening Now” by Danna Faulds

““I’m not worthy, I’m afraid, and my motives aren’t pure.

I’m not perfect, and surely I haven’t practiced nearly enough.

My meditation isn’t deep, and my prayers are sometimes insincere.

I still chew my fingernails, and the refrigerator isn’t clean.”

Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door?

Forgive yourself.

Now is the only time you have to be whole.

Guided Meditations 

• RAIN of Self-Compassion [16:34] to work with difficult emotions and cultivate self-compassion. 

• Self-Compassion Break [10:42] to work with a difficulty in your life.

• Coming Home to Presence [16:59] to practice mindfulness of breath, body, and emotions.

• Lovingkindness for Self & Others [19:51] to cultivate kindness toward yourself and others. 

• Cultivating Compassion for Others [10:56] to practice cultivating compassion for others who are struggling