If you would grow to your best self
Be patient, not demanding
Accepting, not condemning
Nurturing, not withholding
Self-marveling, not belittling
Gently guiding, not pushing and punishing
For you are more sensitive than you know
... accept, respect, and attend your sensitivity
A flower cannot be opened with a hammer.

From the poem "If You Would Grow - Shine the Light Of Loving Self-Care On Yourself" by Daniel F. Mead

For many years, I've had impossibly high expectations for myself and a relentless inner critic pointing out all the ways I was falling short. I believed being harsh with myself was the way to grow and become my best self. In a way, I was my own worst enemy without even realizing it. 

Learning to accept myself just as I am and treat myself with kindness has been a life-changing journey for me. I've realized that I can see the goodness and accept where I'm at while acknowledging all the ways I yet have to grow. For example, I can be kind with myself as I do the inner and outer work to contribute to dismantling systems of oppression. 

As Jack Kornfield said, "if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." We have to start close in. 

So how do we cultivate self-compassion and kindness? 

Self-compassion starts with mindfulness. It starts with turning toward and being with whatever difficult emotions or self-judgments we are present to in the moment. 

We then widen the lens to recognize our common humanity. We realize that all beings experience struggle and difficulty in their lives. We are never alone or isolated in our experience.

Out of a natural desire to alleviate suffering, we extend kindness inwardly. We treat ourselves with care, understanding, and support depending on what is most needed. 

If it feels difficult, it can be helpful to think of our inner child or how we would care for a child or a pet. To get in touch with compassion for our inner child, we may look at a picture of ourselves as a young child.

As we acknowledge and care for what’s happening inside of us, we can become - as research has shown - more motivated, more persistent, more resilient, and less self-focused. We also strengthen our capacity to be with and tend to the difficulty others are experiencing. 

What in your life calls for more self-compassion? 

Below are a few resources that I hope may be helpful for you. 

With love,

Sarah-Marie

Resources

[LISTENING, WATCHING & LEARNING] 

• [Podcast] Opening to the Question of Belonging with john a. powell and Krista Tippett 

• [Webinar Series] Healing Racism with Dr. Tiffany Jana 

• [Podcast] Striving versus Self-Acceptance, Saving Marriages, and More with Brene Brown and Tim Ferriss 

• [Book] Radical Compassion by Tara Brach 

• [Book] Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach 

• [Book] Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff 

[PRACTICE]  

Guided Meditations 

• RAIN of Self-Compassion [16:34] to work with difficult emotions and cultivate self-compassion 

• Self-Compassion Break [10:42] to work with a difficulty in your life

• Coming Home to Presence [16:59] 

Self-Compassion Break   

Adapted from Kristin Neff. 

Bring to mind a difficult situation in your life. Sense into the stress and discomfort of this situation and see if you can feel it in your body, heart, and mind. 

Step 1. Acknowledge the difficulty, stress, and/or pain of this moment. 
You may say to yourself: 

• This hurts.

• Ouch.

• This is stress.

Step 2. Acknowledge that difficulty and pain/discomfort are a part of life. 
You may say to yourself: 

• Other people feel this way.

• I’m not alone.

• We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart and feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Step 3. Offer kindness to yourself. 
Ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to show kindness to myself?” 
You may say to yourself: 

• It’s ok. 

• May I learn to accept myself just as I am. 

• May I forgive myself. 

• May I be strong.

• May I be patient. 

If you’re having difficulty finding the right words, imagine that a good friend or loved one is facing the same challenge as you. What would you say to this person? What simple message would you like to share with your friend? Now offer that message to yourself. 

You can listen to a 10-min adapted version here. 
 

Anchor Phrase  

Choose a word or phrase that helps you stay connected to your intention and can support you through difficulty. You can use it anytime throughout the day when you encounter a challenging moment.

Some examples are:

• It’s okay.

• I can be with this. 

• This, too, shall pass.

• Yes, this hurts. May I stay open.

• Yes, this hurts. May I be kind to myself.

• Yes, this hurts. May I meet this moment with an open heart.

Gently say the phrase to yourself in that moment. You may also try supportive touch such as placing one or two hands on your heart, putting a hand on your cheek, holding one hand in your other hand in your lap, or giving yourself a hug.