How can we find our center amidst what is? 🌊

 
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This past week marks the one-year anniversary of all of us plunging into a global pandemic. Last March, I could never have imagined how much life as we knew it would change. Over the past year, we’ve also been invited to grapple with systemic racism, political polarization, climate change, our mental health crisis, and other painful truths of our time. It’s been a year of hard things and then some.

Tossed by the waves of change, we’ve all experienced loss, grief, and pain in one form or another. We may have been feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or frustrated. We may have been paralyzed by the uncertainty of it all and unable to imagine our next steps forward. Or we may have been in denial of the reality and magnitude of the disruptions.

Amidst change and uncertainty, how can we find our center to envision and create a path forward?

Equanimity is a helpful inner resource in these times of continued change and uncertainty. Equanimity is a sense of openness, care, and ease amidst whatever comes and goes. It allows us to stay centered and look beyond judgment and self-interest as we engage with a range of people and situations in our life and work.

Poet William Butler Yeats wrote: “We can make our minds so like still water that beings gather about us that they may see, it may be, their own images, and so live for a moment with a clearer, perhaps even with a fiercer life because of our quiet.”

Equanimity involves clearly seeing what’s going on inside and around us and choosing to respond in a non-reactive way. It’s not indifference, withdrawal, or not caring. It means accepting (rather than resisting) reality so we can live, feel, envision, and create solutions and new ways forward, fully centered in what’s so.

We might say to ourselves: “This moment is like this... And it doesn’t have to be different right now. I can allow what’s here and respond with what’s needed.”

And equanimity also means realizing that despite our best efforts to be of service, we may not be able to care for and support every person and issue we wish to.

We can grow our capacity for equanimity through formal mindfulness practice. We can also cultivate it by focusing on intentions for equanimity throughout the day. Below are a few equanimity phrases that I've used:

May I find peace and ease amidst it all.

May I see the world with clear, calm, and compassionate eyes.

May I offer my care and support, knowing I cannot control others’ pain or the course of life.

May I have the inner resources needed to contribute where I’m needed.

May I be free from unconscious bias and limiting beliefs.

I invite you to find two or three that resonate (or create your own) and call them to mind at different times as you move through the day.

What if we met the coming months with an attitude of equanimity?

With love,

Sarah-Marie

 

What's the next best step you can take? 👣

 
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Happy New Year! We’ve officially graduated from 2020. Maybe you’re feeling tired, relieved, sad, grateful, hopeful, or anything in between. I know 2020 has pushed me to my edge many times. So many of us have experienced loss and hurt this past year – I hope you’re creating space for what you need right now.

2020 was an extraordinary year: from the promise of starting a new decade, to the pandemic, to rapidly shifting how we live, work, and connect, to reflecting on and reckoning with systemic racism, to grappling with record-breaking natural disasters, to experiencing a divisive US election – with many big and small moments in between.

It has stripped us of our “normal” ways and unearthed so much that needed tending on an individual and collective level. It has broken us open to create new possibilities for how we live, work, and relate to each other and the planet. It has made some things simpler and others more complex. It has invited us to consider what truly matters.

Upon reflecting on 2020, I wanted to share four (of many) lessons and big questions I’ll be carrying into 2021 below. I welcome your thoughts, reflections, and living some of these questions alongside each other.

I’m deeply grateful for you and this community of wildly curious, purpose-driven, and kind people. Thank you for reading and your support. I hope 2021 brings more joy and ease than difficulty for you.

With love and gratitude,
Sarah-Marie

Turning the Page on 2020 with Four Lessons & Big Questions

1. Embrace our shared humanity.

While 2020 was the most physically isolating year of my life, it has also shown me how interconnected and interdependent we truly are. While I’ve intellectually known that we’re both separate and not, 2020 gave me an embodied sense of our shared humanity. We all experienced difficulty and hurt to some degree. We may have felt lonely and disconnected at times. And we all wanted safety, wellbeing, and connection for ourselves and loved ones. No matter what we go through, we are never alone in our experience. This knowing has given me comfort and allows me to access more kindness and compassion for myself and all beings.

How might compassion and kindness inform your actions in 2021?

2. We heal in relationship.

Most of us have our first experiences of hurt and trauma in relationship with others. And yet as social creatures, we also heal best in supportive relationship with others and ourselves. Our inner work and societal work are intertwined. We make up the communities and systems we’re a part of, and our actions matter and have ripple effects. 2020 has amplified a lot in our collective consciousness – from systemic racism, to polarization, to climate change, to collective trauma. We’ve got a lot to work with in 2021 and beyond.

To heal and address all that’s unjust and broken, we need to be in right relationship with ourselves, each other, and the earth. Reverend Jennifer Bailey said: “Relationships move at the speed of trust, but social change moves at the speed of relationships.” We need to recognize our shared humanity and meet each other across difference. May we remember that we’re all products of our conditioning and look for the goodness underneath. May we approach each other with respect and kindness in all of our interactions. May we honor and protect our planet.

What kind of context do you want to create for your relationships in 2021? What will most serve healing?

3. Give yourself permission to feel and be with. 

"'Free' is not free from feelings, but free to feel each one and let it move on, unafraid of the movement of life." - Jack Kornfield

2020 allowed me to experience the full range of difficult feelings. Fear visited often. As did Anxiety, Grief, Shame, Loneliness, and Anger. Maybe they came to see you as well. Whenever I resisted and turned away from the feeling, it just kept asking for my attention. It wanted to be seen and acknowledged for trying to protect me. Emotions have a beginning, middle, and end. Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in them - when we don’t complete the full cycle. When we fully allow what is to be here, we create space for our experience to change naturally.

For example, when we notice Fear (and associated negative thoughts), we can meet it with curiosity and explore our embodied experience of it. I often ask myself: What’s happening inside me right now? Can I be with this? Where do I experience Fear in the body? Then I try to stay with the changing sensations. I ask myself: What does the fearful part of me most need right now? And I extend kindness inwardly (and often place both hands on my heart to add a soothing touch). In this way, we can expand our capacity to be with more and more of life. We can be free to respond creatively instead of being reactive.

What do you need to give yourself permission to feel/be with in 2021?

4. Everything is workable.

2020 has humbled me. I’ve realized just how much is outside of my control. The year has changed plans for all of us and asked us to be creative and adaptable within new constraints. In my case, I tried settling in a new city while being physically isolated from others, adjusted to being in place after years of frequent travel and movement, adapted and moved all of my offerings online, …

I’ve realized that life becomes more workable when I don’t let the small, fear-based self run the show and make it all about myself. Every day, I affirmed my intention to let life use me well and be a contribution (inspired by my mindfulness meditation mentor). I've grown to trust that everything is an opportunity to grow and that we can pause and respond with intention no matter what happens.

We may not know the whole path, but life will always show us the next best step forward. We can trust in the self-generating mechanism of life. When in doubt, I’ve learned to go further in. Our body knows. We can take a moment to pause and sense how the whole of a life situation feels in us without judging or analyzing it. We can notice and cultivate our body’s innate “felt-sense” capacity—a subtle bodily sensation of a situation that lives somewhere between our conscious and unconscious mind. From this place, new awareness can emerge, and new perspectives and actions become possible.

What’s the next best step you can take in 2021?

 

Hug the monkey 🐵

 
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It feels like we’re in a collective pressure cooker. So many of us are stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed right now. It feels hard to stay on top of the basics, let alone make plans for the future or commit to new things. On top of everything else, the tension around the US election can be hard to be with. It’s easy to slip into fear-based thinking and rumination on worst-case scenarios. 
 
It doesn’t help that the brain has a negativity bias (very helpful back in the day when we were fleeing from predators) which constantly scans for bad news, laser focuses on it, overreacts to it, and then becomes sensitized to the negative over time. It leads to a lot of unnecessary suffering and stress and negatively impacts our relationships with others.


How can we intentionally balance out that negativity focus and open to what is good in our life right now?

I love psychologist Rick Hanson’s framework for thinking about our three major human needs – safety, satisfaction, and connection. He ties them to the three major stages of evolution of the brain – reptilian brain stem (focused on avoiding threat/harm), mammalian subcortex (focused on pursuing rewards), and the primate/human neocortex (bonding with others). In short, he says, it’s beneficial to “pet the lizard, feed the mouse, and hug the monkey.”

Below are a few simple practices for petting the lizard, feeding the mouse, and hugging the monkey in these hard times: 


🦎Pet the lizard

When we notice fear arising, we can pause and reestablish a sense of safety. Take a few deep breaths and let go of any tension and anxiety when you exhale. Adjust your posture to a more comfortable position. Maybe say to the fear: "Thank you for trying to protect me. Thank you for trying to take care of me. I am OK for now." Remind yourself as you go about the day that you are safe and ok in this moment.


🐭Feed the mouse

As we move through the day, we can open to experiences of feeling fed, fulfilled, or satisfied. When we feel more fulfilled in the moment, we experience less frustration, longing, disappointment, and craving.
 
Below are a few opportunities to practice:

  • Pay attention to the good things in your life daily. It could be hearing a bird sing, enjoying a good meal, listening to music you enjoy, … Be with the good you notice for at least three breaths to really let it sink in.

  • Open to a sense of being supported by the breath, your senses, your organs, the ground beneath you, sunlight, water, plants, …

  • Savor little wins such as making your bed, washing a dish, sending an email, remembering to drink water, …

  • Appreciate acts of kindness and support from others.

 
🐒Hug the monkey

We can open to a sense of being cared for and loved. Imagine being in the presence of someone you know cares about you and wishes you well. It could be a loved one, a pet, or a spiritual figure. Open up to what it feels like in your whole being to know that someone deeply cares about you. You can put your hands over your heart and feel the warmth and gentle touch on your chest. Allow yourself to fully take in the care and love. 

 
The more we can handle our own stress and tend to our needs, the more available we are to support others and take intentional action.

How are you tending to your needs in these times? 

May you feel safe.
May you feel fulfilled. 
May you feel deeply loved. 

With love,

Sarah-Marie

Resources

Guided Meditations 

 

Let's be human together 💗

 
Permission to be human

"'Free' is not free from feelings, but free to feel each one and let it move on, unafraid of the movement of life." - Jack Kornfield 

These are challenging and unsettling times in so many ways. You may feel like it’s all too much to be with at times. You may be done with 2020. You're not alone. 

And yet we’re alive in this moment right here. This moment is calling us to be with what is. Now is (still) worth showing up for.

The way out isn’t to run away or numb. What we resist persists.

Resistance is how we naturally protect ourselves against vulnerability. We cannot selectively numb though. When we block the grief, fear and anger, we also block the joy, love and our sense of aliveness. 

So give yourself permission to feel. Let the emotions move through you. They have a beginning, middle, and end. Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in them - when we don’t complete the cycle. 

May we let these times be a teacher of who we really are - of presence and love - and what matters most. Rumi wrote: “This turn toward what you deeply love saves you.”

What or who do you deeply love?

We’re all human. We’re all trying to figure it out. And we can’t do this alone. We all need spaces where we can be witnessed in our humanity. Where we can make room to be with the life that's here. 

What are these spaces for you? 

Below are a few resources that I hope might be supportive for you.

With love,

Sarah-Marie

Resources 

[PRACTICES] 

Thanking Your Emotions 

When you notice a difficult emotion arising as you go about your day, you can stop, take a conscious breath, and say "Thank you for trying to protect me. Thank you for trying to take care of me. I am OK for now."
 

RAIN of Self-Compassion

Through the practice of RAIN, we can bring mindfulness and compassion to difficult emotions and experience. It invites us to be with our emotions and actual lived experience with self-compassion. The acronym RAIN stands for:

  • Recognize: Seeing clearly what's going on and how we are stuck inside an experience;

  • Allow: Creating space to be with the experience just as it is; 

  • Investigate: Moving from the story and beliefs to getting in touch with the actual lived experience, with kindness; and 

  • Nurture: Offering kindness inwardly. 

Here's a ~16 min guided RAIN practice.  
 

[POEM] 

Excerpt from "Go to the Limits of Your Longing" by Rainer Maria Rilke
 
"Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand."

Guided Meditations 

 

Things Fall Apart. Things Come Together.

 
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“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” 

- Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart


It feels like 2020 is trying to break us. 

I've been amazed by the collective resilience shown in the face of so much adversity, loss, injustice, and trauma this year. We were made for times like this. 

And yet, in August with the raging wildfires in CA, continued racial injustice, and the election approaching, I noticed myself coming to the edge of my own resourcing. My usual resourcing practices weren't having much of an effect as I stayed inside my home in Oakland, without AC, windows and blinds closed, and a continuous stream of "bad news," for days.

Connecting with others, I realized I wasn't alone in hitting my capacity. We have a certain amount of energy to spend to cope with all that's been happening. With overlapping crises, we can get to a point where the amount of energy required exceeds the amount available. 

For the past couple of weeks, I've been taking a step back to recharge, slow down with work, and allow myself all the feelings. In order to be free, I can and must feel both joy and grief. Stopping feeling one blocks me from feeling the other.

Grief acknowledges what we love and value. Grief means allowing ourselves to fall apart in a world that values "holding it together." Through connecting to what we value, grief is a necessary part of knowing how to move forward. And so is finding joy in the little and big things. 

I'm inviting you to give yourself permission for the range of experiences you might be having right now. 

How might you make room for both grief and joy? What helps you recharge? 

Below are a few resources that I hope may be supportive for you.

With love,

Sarah-Marie 

 

Resources 

[READING & LISTENING] 

[POEM] 

On Joy and Sorrow by Kahlil Gibran 

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
     And he answered:
     Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
     And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
     And how else can it be?
     The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
     Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
     And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
     When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
     When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
    
     Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
     But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
     Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

     Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
     Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
     When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
 

[MICRO-PRACTICES] 

You can experiment with the following micro-practices that you can use to create mini-breaks in your day. They are super short and effective, especially in combination with regular mindfulness practice.  

Two Feet, One Breath

Feel one foot, then feel the other foot, and then take one conscious breath. 

STOP Technique

S- Stop for a moment. Don't react. Give yourself the gift of a brief reflection. 

T-Take a breath. Breathe in and out. Track your breath. Sense the chest rising and falling. 

O-Observe your experience. Notice the sensations in the body. Observe the thoughts or the story going through your mind, and appreciate that thoughts are not facts. Explore your emotions and get a sense of where you are in this moment. 
P - Proceed. Move forward in a way that feels right to you and is consistent with your values.  

Guided Meditations 

 

Can I be with this? Cultivating resilience.

 
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What a year 2020 has been so far. We've all been asked to expand our capacity to be with pain, change, and uncertainty in these turbulent times.

As Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha wrote: “Every challenge you encounter in life is a fork in the road. You have the choice to choose which way to go - backward, forward, breakdown or breakthrough.”

We can actively cultivate resilience in the face of life's challenges. With mindfulness and compassion, we can be with and effectively navigate more and more of the experiences that life presents to us. We can bounce back and recover ourselves when we lose our ground.

When we encounter difficult emotions or experience, we can take a breath and ask: Can I be with this? Gradually and with kindness, we can learn to stay with our inner experience and expand our capacity to respond intentionally.

Over the past few months, I've been asking myself this question many times a day, and I've found it creates more inner space to carry on. 

Below are a few reminders and practices that I've found helpful:  

  1. Change is the only constant. With mindfulness, everything becomes more workable. This too shall pass. 

  2. Remember that difficulty and suffering are a part of life and all beings want to be well and loved. We are never alone in our experience of hurt.  

  3. See crises as opportunities for growth rather than insurmountable challenges. We can learn to surf the waves and realize that everything is workable.  

  4. Be kind with yourself and others. Start close in tending to your own emotions and needs. Pay attention to the demands of the physical body and rest, nourish, and move as needed. 

  5. Cultivate self-trust and a positive view of yourself. Listen to your own inner guidance and work with your inner critic. Self-compassion can be very supportive.

  6. Be in community with others. Accept help when needed and offer help to others, when possible. Contribute to and stay engaged with family, friends, colleagues, and community.  

  7. Take action in small and bigger ways towards creating a more compassionate, equitable and beautiful world. 

Everything becomes more workable as we stay open, flexible, and connected to the bigger picture. 
 

How have you been cultivating resilience? What practices might you try?

Below are a few more resources that I hope may be helpful for you. 

With love,

Sarah-Marie

Resources

[LISTENING, WATCHING & LEARNING] 

[PRACTICE]  

Guided Meditations